Accidentally Pretentious

Solar Flares

It’s really a little snow globe. Our little bubble of reality. The sun is a shiny thing in the sky, the stars are little dots. We never stop to think about what all those things really are.

The point of life. What a concept. To find God? To find love? To truly know ourselves? Is there a point? Are we the only species with a concept of death, of the impact of our own existence? While the solar flares continue to bombard earth, when they start hitting cities, killing millions, then what? Isn’t that what happens to other planets all over the universe?

What hubris to believe that it could never happen during our life time. Our perfect little world, how long can it last? How long has it really existed? Nothing is permanent, not even this world in which we live. We make big deals about money, education, relationships….those that fail, those that last a *life* time. We are but a blip, a little bit of existence. I know people say, that’s a drab way of looking at it, but it’s not. You have to see it right.

Yes, we mean nothing in the long term, but by the same token, our world is so fragile and we affect everything in the here and now. We can’t control the cosmos or nature, but we can try to control our own realities. We can write beautiful songs, paint, laugh, sing, play, love, and know that in the end, all we have is the very moment. I have heard that so many times, but it’s never made much sense until right now.

I think about sitting here now, with my music playing, in my room just typing away. In a millisecond, a solar flare, a planet, a meteor, could strike the very spot I’m sitting in, and I’d be none the wiser. If I died on impact, would I know I died? Of course that all goes to the conversation of religion, and what we all think about where we’ll end up. I think that has always been my biggest fear, that we’re all wrong and it’s just this life, and then we’re dead… we are NO more, and we have no idea we died or that we ever existed. But then there is even solace in that. 

The point is, regardless of how it ends up, worrying about it is just killing the only part of our lives that is real, and worth any thing, which is right NOW.

Human kind is a funny thing, what we have become and what we think life is about is so fake. We have taken a planet that is full of beauty and turned it into slabs, rooms with electricity and computer screens. Think about this, if it was your last day on this planet, what would you WANT from life? You wouldn’t care about money, or jobs, or education….you’d want to be outside, in the sun, with loved ones, smiling. It’s crazy how everything in my life is man made.

No one follows their dreams, and not the dreams they tell you need to accomplish when you’re a child. I’m talking about bucket list dreams. The things we’d all rather be doing…like mountain climbing, sky diving, horse back riding, swimming, or laying on a blanket in a field for a whole day….when I think about dying, about what I haven’t accomplished, I don’t think about jobs I’ll never have or the degree I might not get, I think about all the world I’ll never experience, all the people I’ll never laugh with.

If only I could grasp this moment, this feeling, and wrap myself in it. Bathe in the sobriety and clarity that we so rarely possess…then I’d remember that worrying is pointless, I’ll sell all my possessions and just travel the world. But something inside of us holds us back, says, “No, that’s scary. That’s not what people do.” Oh mind, what a funny little thing you are.

It’s My Thing

What I believe, that’s what I believe. It has nothing to do with who I love or where I am from. 

I know that I am from a place that is full of people that are nothing like me; I love them more than I love people that are like me. You know why? Because they are my family. Judgmental in your eyes? Probably.

They want to tell me what is right and what is wrong. They want to tell me how I am wrong and how what I stand for is horrible. I want to tell my family that I love them and I respect their rights to have opinions…. I wish it was reciprocated. It’s like they live in this world where either you agree with them or you don’t exist. The sad thing about that is that it isn’t true to life. It isn’t true to life outside of Cypress. It’s not the whole “world’s” view on things. Let me say now, I don’t know the whole world’s view. I haven’t traveled for years. I did live some where else from where I was raised for long enough to know a difference.

The last thing I’d ever want to do is make my family feel like I think that I’m better than them, more informed or worldly than they are. However, I feel like they want answers for why I am so “different” than they are. If I had to answer, the reason would be that I have encountered people that are different than myself. And you know what? They were awesome people. They do good in this world, they make other people happy, they don’t judge, they offer solutions, and they offer counseling. Those people aren’t just about the trivial things people think they are about. 

My family wants to know why I am so different than they are. We were born from the same parents, we grew up in the same place, yet why am I this total liberal discast? I think it comes down to the fact that I am a giver. I have always been and will always be a bleeding heart. People want to blame it on the friends I met or the things I did when I was younger. I will tell everyone that I was the black sheep in my classes even when I was 14 in the middle of a conservative high school. There was something in me then that still resides within me now that says “People deserve equality no matter their race, sex, religion or whatever else.” I just feel like everyone in my family and most of Texas judges me for what they think I ought to be. 

If you are a true Christian you would know that Christ himself didn’t judge. He tried to make people see the error in their ways, he tried to convert them to his ways, but NEVER did he hate or judge. I feel like there are a lot of Christians that should see how they are the total opposite of what Christ actually was. Christ was about acceptance and love, he was about forgiveness above anything else in this world. That is why he died,so your white lies, and all your tiny sins would be forgiven. I cannot and will not sit by and let people judge others. It’s not the way things were meant to be.

I don’t think I’m better than others, I would never claim to be. I have lots of emotional issues where I criticize myself, openly and internally. However, I try my hardest not to let that affect others. My own relationship with God and my own spirituality is MINE, and mine alone. That means it’s only mine. That means that other people’s relationship’s with God are also only theirs. I am not above the law of God or man, I am not ever going to pretend like I am. I even feel people might say that I am judging other people for judging me. Maybe it seems that way, but what it comes down to is that I am saddened by people who do that to others. I am not judging them, I don’t have that right.

I feel like so many people pick and choose what parts of the Bible belong to them, and what part of their heritage belongs to them. I just want people to look at things and want the best for others. I want people to look at things and think of love before hatred and fear. I want my family and my friends to be more than stereotypes, more than hatred, more than what they think they are supposed to be…. I want everyone to just “treat others as they would be treated.” I think everyone forgets that phrase.

I just want to hug, love and laugh. I want to live in a way that is always appreciative. I want to live in a way that only affects what makes the world a happier place. I don’t want to have fear and hatred. I don’t want to have judgement and malice. I don’t care if you are an alcoholic or you are a gay person, I don’t care if you are an adulterer, a thief, or you are a woman who had an abortion. I know plenty of great Christians and great people who have had those things happen to them. It doesn’t make them any less of a person than you. Everyone has things in their life that they have to deal with, and as a society we have to see what is worth fighting for and what isn’t. If we are wasting all our time fighting things like gay marriage and abortion, who is out there fighting to put away child molesters, women/child abusers, and murders? I know it’s not one or the other, but in my mind, our time would be better spent tracking down those that actually HURT the populous. 

I know my family disagrees. I know that they can quote Bible scriptures at me, and they can tell me all they think is right. You know what though? It doesn’t matter, I believe what I believe in my heart. I feel it in me, I know it’s right. I feel like it’s what was meant to be felt. I don’t care if it sounds crazy. I don’t care if I’m called a bleeding heart or a liberal. I love people and I think that gays have just as much as of a right to exist as Muslims, or Jews, or super staunch Republicans. That’s my whole point, even people who I totally 100% disagree with have their rights to beliefs.

Don’t try to change my mind, don’t try to fix me. Either you deal with it or you don’t, which means you love me or you don’t. I am a funny, outgoing, and loving person. Who I am, not what I believe, should define me. If you don’t get that, then maybe you’re not the kind of person that I want to know me in the first place.

About Me

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Beautiful

When the lights blur the right way….when the streets lead you down a path you’ve never been down before. When strangers are just strangers but your life is more comfortable than you ever thought it might be. That’s where we are. 

Playing games, life becomes a game, the game is life. Everything I think, everything I do is beautiful. Wonderful. 

It’s more than fun, it’s deeper than whatever nonsense people want to give definition to. I feel myself letting go, deciding that no matter what they think, no matter where I  end up, I’m going to be okay.

If you over think it, it’s the whole point. You are ‘over’ doing it. Just gotta let the moments be what they are, the moment you are in. GREAT.

Life

It’s a funny little bugger. I’m loving it, the ups and downs. The anxiety, the love, the work…it’s all worth it in the end. When you meet people that change your life, you know the moment it happens.

It’s something magical when you feel your life going the way you want it to. When you outgrow that impostor syndrome and realize that you have things to offer, that’s when you’ve made it. 

I know it’s happening to me now. My art, my writing, my thoughts, the things I say and do are finally a reflection of myself. I don’t have to put on pretenses or pretend I’m something I’m not. 

I am awesome in my own self. I am proud of who I am and I think it’s more than okay to say that.